haaaappy may.
still stuck in feeling like i just can't ever seem to have a good day where my entry doesn't have to be about how shit i feel all the time lol but it is what it is i guess.
my life feels like one long unbroken chain of traumatic events that continues as soon as i let my guard down, as soon as i think Things have Stopped Happening and i can finally rest, my hypervigilance is finally able to end. i just have to keep trying to find things worth living for, keep trying, even as it feels completely futile.
i'm just tired of this shit man 
i didn't ask for this life. i've spent decades trying to make the best of this shit and for a while, long ago, it felt like i was actually making progress. like my efforts to recover and be a healthy person and at peace with myself and that being alive was joyful, was actually fucking working.
and then.
and then...
2014 was such a shit fucking year. i feel like i not only got kicked right back down to where i started with being traumatized into constantly feeling fearful and unsafe around other people, but i got kicked back down lower than where i started all of this bullshit in, and i've just never really managed to recover as the bullshit since then continues to be unrelenting. there used to be a time i could tell the voices in the back of my head they were wrong about people, they were wrong about this situation, and they'd slink off warning me that they were right. and then they were. over, and over, and over again...
and now i can't refute them anymore, i can't ever convince that part of my brain to accept that things are as good as they seem ever again. every time i've even tried over the past decade that part of my brain snaps back you thought you were right then too, you stupid little bitch, and look where that got us! remember what we got in return!
and i can't silence them fully anymore. i can't placate that part of me that's been fed with constant trauma and stress to the point i've lost control of it again, and maybe this time for good.
i've found other ways of soothing myself, to be clear, there's just so much less catharsis in the truths i have to remind myself of now. maybe these people really don't like me, maybe they're yet again like all those before them waiting for the right moment to cast me aside like a used napkin, but if they don't like me it's their responsibility to say so. they're the ones who have to do something about it, to leave if i don't make them happy. that's not my fault if they stay and resent me for being who i am. if they're staying then i can just assume they're fine enough they don't feel like leaving.
it does make the wounded part of me unable to retort, but it's also just not comforting at all. and yet none of the things that used to comfort me bring me anything but fear, because they can't be promised, they can't be guaranteed. even someone telling you they like you can change, people can lie, they can think they know how they feel but they're lying to themselves. my mind can't deal in these kind of uncertainties anymore. only the certainty that it's on them to leave if i make them unhappy brings me any kind of leverage to silence the bleeding wound in my mind.
which i mean. it's something. it's better than nothing, it's better than having no defense against the parts of me screaming in fear and wretching in anger at this garbage dogshit life i'm forced to exist in. it's enough to spare me the energy not spent on being so deep in despair to keep going, keep enduring the vast ocean of things i actually can't change or reason with that also make me miserable.
whatever.
in better news i have a new site project which i have been excited to work on. it's a full list of all my known recipes in WoW for the inscription, engineering, cooking, and leatherworking professions, since you can't really search peoples' known recipes for things you want unless they link you their profession in chat or you're in their guild. i don't imagine this will be used much at all as people in MMOs seem absolutely allergic to clicking any kind of link that isn't just to a piece of artwork, but if nothing else i find it deeply satisfying to scroll through all my recipes even when i'm not logged in, so. that's enough for me.
i think i have a strong and deep need to Collect Things, but mostly just digital things as they're easy to arrange and i can look at them pretty much whenever i want in any order i want, and they don't clutter up my real life living space at all. recipes are no different and i'm particularly devoted to recipe collecting in WoW, so scrolling through my recipes gives me so much dopamine i don't normally get from a lot of other things. i even added wowhead database tooltip integration, since wowhead offers a javascript library for it.
sometimes it stings a little bit that people online generally won't care about or look at my site even when they're directed to it, like i have deep web links on this site that aren't linked to from the main site for my RP profiles and things that are linked to from my in-game RP info. but ultimately i'm doing this for me, and i'm glad for how my site's progressed over the years since i started it in 2018. man, it's been 5 years already... time really feels like it flies faster and faster as you get older. i hope i can maintain this for many more decades.